Joke Thread. Post 'em if you got 'em.

[Steve H]

There are three kinds of people in the world...

Those who can count
and
Those who can't.

 

[MikeA]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh.  Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

[RonS]

 A Man & His Diet Plan .......

I have 2 dogs and I was buying a large bag of Purina at the local supermarket where I was standing in line at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time I tried it. But, I had lost 50 pounds before I awoke in an intensive hospital care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and with IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. According to the label I know that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me.

[Steve H]

There was a hedgehog who lost his male member one day. So he went to the wise owl. The owl said "You got into a fight last night.."

So the hedgehog went about the jungle asking the animals if he had fought them last night. They all said no.

So eventually he found a big cat who had spines sticking out of his nose, four in number "Ahaha" said the hedgehog "I must have fought you last night"

"Yes" said the big cat

"What happened to my male member" said they hedgehog?

"I bit it off and swallowed it" said the big cat

"But why?" said the hedgehog

"Ah well you see," said the big cat "I'm a four-point tool-eater Jaguar.."

[RonS]

Subject: Becoming Illegal
Who Wants To Apply?

Becoming Illegal
(Letter from an Iowa resident, sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC 20510

Dear Senator Harkin:

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the
Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process
for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from US Citizen to
illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the
Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's
provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United
States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a
$2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know
a good deal when I see one nd I am anxious to get the process started
before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay
taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two
years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way
that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an
excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in
2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local
emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped
paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could
save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter
would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school
applications, as well as "instate" tuition rates for many colleges
throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly , I understand that illegal status would relieve me f the
burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car
insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still
have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become
illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms,
I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

[Rusty Garoutte]

This is udderly funny

http://d21c.com/terri1/caroline.swf

[Steve H]

This is udderly funny

http://d21c.com/terri1/caroline.swf

Now that is good, I needed that this morning. 

[Steve H]

In a small town the farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues.

About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.

One old farmer stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has."

Quick as a flash the woman replied, "Take off your boots, Man, and count them!!"

[Steve H]

Sheila was having trouble with a particularly stubborn varicose vein. A friend suggested Dr. Benson.

Just in time, Sheila discovered that this vein had the ability to forecast the weather. When it felt cold, the weather would be cold; when it was warm, the weather would be warm, etc.

She decided not to have the problem solved because she had become so dependent upon her weather vein.

[Steve H]

What do the letters DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association.

[Steve H]

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a new hearing aid that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "You hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "O, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

[Steve H]

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say,"Doctor, I have a performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."   

[Steve H]

The football player was trying to pick up a coed at a fraternity party when she told him that she was much more turned on by academic types than dumb jocks.

"So," she said, "what's your G.P.A.?"

The jock smiled and said, "I get about twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!"

[Steve H]

 On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[Steve H]

What kind of ghosts haunt skyscrapers?

High spirits !!!